I Was Always My Spirit
Updated: Jun 29
I wrote the 8 songs to my album titled I Walk Out of the F.O.G. to express what I went through for many years via two relationships. The songs "Pretty Words", "Yellow Flashing Lights" and "Honey You Lie" were cathartic after I left an abusive narcissist who I was with for four long years; while "Beautiful Disaster", "Roots Run Deep", and "Broken Year" helped me make sense of an avoidant love and a broken heart.
From 2012-2016, I experienced 4 years of narcissistic relationship abuse. It started with "love-bombing", instant soulmate-hood and mirroring, then turned to devaluation, severe pathological lying, infidelity, gas-lighting, jealousy, rages and smear campaigns. I escaped this relationship and instituted a life-long "no contact" policy and I have never looked back. I also spent many on-and-off years in a relationship with a woman who suffered from Avoidant Personality Disorder. I gave more to the relationship than I ever received and wound up depleted, both physically and emotionally. AvPD is a really sad disorder that robs a person of their ability to process and experience emotional intimacy out of extreme fear of rejection/ ridicule or being seen as inferior in some way. Distancing in all it's hurtful forms is inevitable and includes the withholding of love/affection and loving words, silent treatments, ghosting, flirtatious behaviors with others, flippant criticism, an inability to receive relationship feedback, a lack of interest in other's emotions, a lack of empathy, all while living in a fantasy world with illusions of a perfect or true love. AvPD is not curable. This is a good article on 16 behaviors of avoidant love. There was a recurring push and pull that was emotionally exhausting. Avoidant love left me feeling unloved, unimportant, held-at-arms-length, emotionally deprived, and empty. Love is never a one-way street unless you are with someone Avoidant. In the end, I was left ghosted which is a form of abuse in itself.
As I turned my attention inward and processed my emotions without self-judgement, I realized that the fracture or wound I thought I had...wasn’t my wound at all. It wasn't my story.
The emotional trauma I experienced was simply a wound being passed along to me from a fractured person. And, instead of keeping this wound as my own (or passing it along to others), I dissolved it from my identity.
I absorbed a brokenness that was not mine and I let it go. I found my way home, with self-compassion. I was always - MY Spirit. I am - MYSpirit.
#NarcissisticRelationships #AvoidantPersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #HealingtheWounds #TheGoodLife #AvoidantLove #TammyBarber #TammyBarber #TammyBarber #TammyBarber #TammyBarber#TammyBarberofGriswold