I Was Always My Spirit
Updated: Oct 1
I am currently releasing singles in advance of the album, I Walk Out of the Fog. As I release each song, I send the experiences of emotional abuse to their final resting place. My wounds are closed, but I've decided to release the songs anyway. Perhaps they will help someone else who has experienced emotional abuse and ghosting. "Indecision", "Pretty Words", "Yellow Flashing Lights", and "Honey You Lie" were cathartic after I left an abusive narcissist in 2016, while "Beautiful Disaster", "Roots Run Deep", "Broken Year" and "Same Old Story" helped me make sense of a toxic, avoidant love. The last song, "Upwards and Onwards" is my victory song!
I escaped a 4-year narcissistic relationship in May of 2016, and I never looked back. A narcissist begins a relationship with "love-bombing", instant soulmate-hood, and mirroring. Over-time, this positive attention turns to devaluation, severe pathological lying, infidelity, gas-lighting, jealousy, rages and smear campaigns. I also spent many on-and-off years in a relationship with a person who suffered from Avoidant Personality Disorder. AvPD robs a person of their ability to process and experience emotional intimacy, and it's truly hurtful. The disorder involves emotional distancing in all it's painful forms: withholding affection, stinginess with words of love and affection, secretiveness, pushing and pulling away, silent treatments and ghosting, flirtatious behaviors with others, flippant criticism, an inability to receive relationship feedback, a lack of interest in your feelings, needs, or emotions, and a lack of empathy for others. During all this, the avoidant person lives in a fantasy world with illusions of a perfect or "true love." It is an emotional detachment that is very complex. These behaviors subconsciously sabotage emotional intimacy out of an extreme fear of rejection. Believing their avoidance is a form of independence, the avoidant person is very alone and lonely. AvPD negates any chance at having a healthy relationship as love requires emotional communication and connection. This is a good article on 16 behaviors of avoidant love. As with all personality disorders, the afflicted person hasl very little self-awareness or ability to see how their behaviors are hurtful.
Avoidant love left me feeling confused, held-at-arms-length, emotionally deprived, empty, and exhausted. In the end, I was ghosted, a form of abuse that no one deserves. It is the ultimate form of avoidance, to ghost a person, as it allows a complete avoidance of responsibility.
As I turned my attention inward, I realized that the fracture or wound I thought I had experienced wasn’t my wound at all. It wasn't my story. The emotional pain I experienced was simply a wound being passed along to me by a fractured person who had a sad and untreatable disorder. And, instead of keeping this wound as my own (or passing it along to others), I dissolved it from my identity by giving it to God, forgiving my abusers, and starting anew.
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