I Was Always My Spirit
Updated: Mar 14
I wrote the 8 songs to my album titled I Walk Out of the F.O.G. to express what I went through for many years via two relationships. The songs "Pretty Words", "Yellow Flashing Lights" and "Honey You Lie" were cathartic after I left an abusive narcissist, while "Beautiful Disaster", "Roots Run Deep", and "Broken Year" helped me make sense of an avoidant love and a broken heart.
From 2012-2016, I experienced 4 years of narcissistic relationship abuse. It started with "love-bombing", instant soulmate-hood, and mirroring, then turned to devaluation, severe pathological lying, infidelity, gas-lighting, jealousy, rages and smear campaigns. I escaped this relationship and instituted a life-long "no contact" policy which was the right thing to do. I also spent on-and-off years in a relationship with a woman who suffered from Avoidant Personality Disorder. I truly loved and cared about her. AvPD is a really sad disorder that robs a person of their ability to process and experience emotional intimacy out of extreme fear of rejection/ ridicule or being seen as inferior in some way. Distancing in all it's hurtful forms, the withholding of love/affection and loving words, silent treatments and inevitable ghosting, flippant criticism, an inability to receive relationship feedback, all while living in a fantasy world with illusions of a perfect or true love are all part of AvPD. This is a good article on 16 behaviors of avoidant love. To hear "I love you" was almost non-existent. There was a recurring push and pull that was emotionally draining on me. Avoidant love left me feeling unloved, unimportant, held-at-arms-length, emotionally deprived, and empty. Love is never a one-way street. In the end, I was left ghosted and feeling that I didn't deserve it - nobody does and I wanted to be treated much better.
As I turned my attention inward and processed my emotions without self-judgement, I realized that the fracture or wound I thought I had...wasn’t my wound at all. It wasn't my story.
The emotional trauma I experienced was simply a wound being passed along to me from a fractured person. And, instead of keeping this wound as my own (or passing it along to others), I dissolved it from my identity.
I absorbed a brokenness that was not mine and I let it go. I found my way home, with self-compassion. I was always - MY Spirit. I am - MYSpirit.
#NarcissisticRelationships #AvoidantPersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #HealingtheWounds #TheGoodLife #AvoidantLove #TammyBarber #TammyBarber #TammyBarber #TammyBarber #TammyBarber#TammyBarberofGriswold